If You Tell: A True Story of Murder, Family Secrets, and the Unbreakable Bond of Sisterhood

“But to Lara, the kind of beauty Shelly possessed was like that of nightshade berries. They appear to be delicious but are actually dangerous.” 

Lara compares her stepdaughter to nightshade berries because she appears beautiful on the outside but is volatile, venomous, and uncontrollable on the inside. This is the first time in the book that Shelly is linked to poison, which ends up becoming one of the ways she manipulates and murders her victims.

“It was just before the move to Raymond. [Nikki] was asleep in her bed in the house behind the nursing home in Battle Ground. All of a sudden, she woke up, unable to breathe through a pillow pressed over her face. Nikki started screaming for her mother, and suddenly—as in that very instant—Shelly appeared […] The encounter stayed with Nikki. The speed with which her mother responded. The peculiar look on her face—more interested than concerned. Later, she would wonder if that was the first time her mother had messed with her mentally, and if she’d done the same thing to others in her life.” 

Nikki’s recollection of her strange encounter with her mother attempting to strange her is merely the first in a long line of abusive incidents. Olsen draws the reader’s attention to the idea that Shelly is “more interested than concerned” to make clear that Shelly takes pleasure in causing her daughter’s suffering. This passage also shows the reader how much Shelly enjoys being needed while simultaneously manipulating her victims to make them disbelieve what they just experienced.

“When somebody pushes, pushes, and pushes you into a corner, pretty soon you’re not going to want to be in that corner anymore. People would ask me later why I just didn’t leave. Take the kids and go. You just didn’t do that with Shelly. You can’t. She wouldn’t allow it. She’d hunt you down.” 

Dave Knotek says this when questioned by Olsen about why he didn’t leave Shelly as her other two husbands did. This is the first time in the book that he admits to the power Shelly had over him, as well as over others who depended on her. We also see her referred to as a hunter here, an example of the motif of hunting to allude to her inhumane, violent actions.

“I think as a kid I depended on her, her being my mom. I don’t think I ever thought I had any other options but to live with her. As an adult I kick myself for not doing something to help myself back then. My mother could show affection and say kind words when she wanted to…she would abuse me, then the very next day hug me or tell me how I was her baby and she loved me blah, blah. I think it worked like any abusive relationship…a person feels trapped, nowhere to go…they are abused and then the abuser reins them back in with kindness and the person being abused settles, not quite thinking about the next time they are beat etc. just relieved the abuse is over (for now). My mother was a ticking time bomb…I never knew when she would go off. Everything could be great for a few days then boom. I loved my mother because I didn’t know I had a choice. I had to love her.” 

As a child, Nikki struggles with her relationship to her mother. Here, as an adult, Nikki feels pity for her younger self. She also articulates that Shelly’s behavior fits in to the classic abusive relationship model, cycling intense love with extreme violence. This fear of violence, and Shelly’s unpredictable rage are, reflected in her use of the metaphor of a “ticking time bomb” (77). The reader is also reminded that Nikki’s tender age and remaining innocence meant that she did not realize she was allowed to dislike her mother or tell someone what was going on at home.

“[…] Sami’s father, Danny, came to see her, and he told her something that gave her a different perception of how her mother cared for babies than what she’d heard from Dave Knotek […] ‘My biological father told me he watched my mother pop up from the couch and run to the crib to get me. She wanted to appear as though she’d been holding me the whole time. But she hadn’t. He could tell I’d been in my crib all day. Dirty diapers. Bottles lying in there. Diaper rash that was something terrible.’ For someone who always had so much to hide, Shelly had become an expert at keeping things out of view. It was a skill that would help her keep the darkest secrets from her family. And the authorities.” 

Sami does not have much of any contact with her father, and this information helps her to see just how neglectful and selfish her mother could be. It also provides evidence of Shelly’s knack for hiding evidence of wrongdoing from those closest to her. Her desperate need to feel wanted without actually doing the work of caretaking becomes clear to Sami and helps her to see her mother’s shallow ways.

“With Kathy there, the dynamic in the Louderback House continued to shift. It was slow. Frog-in-boiling-hot-water slow. Kathy didn’t appear to grasp what Shelly’s game really was all about. She was lonely, estranged for the most part from her family, and had no money of her own. Kathy was big. Brassy. Fun […] After moving in with the Knoteks, Kathy started to fade away. Her personality began to dissolve right in front of everyone’s eyes. She just started to fade away.” 

In this passage, the reader begins to see Kathy’s slow descent into Shelly’s violent and manipulative world. Olsen likens this decline to that of a frog in boiling water to emphasize how gradual and painful the transformation was, both for Kathy and for the members of the household who watched it happen. We also see a reminder of Kathy’s isolation and how this made her especially vulnerable to Shelly’s abuse.

“Sami slipped away, wondering how it could be that her mother could punish Kathy so harshly and then act as if she would always be there to save her from any harm. It’s what Shelly did to all of them. Yet with her mother’s abuse focused on Kathy, there was an aspect of it that brought relief to Sami. She was glad it was Kathy who was getting punished instead of her siblings. A part of Sami felt grateful that Kathy stayed. If she left, Sami knew the kids would once again be their mother’s favorite target.” 

Sami admits this relief reluctantly, considering what happens to Kathy not long afterwards. Kathy in many ways knowingly absorbed the abuse that Sami and her sisters had endured. While her doing so did not totally spare them from suffering, it did allow them some space to heal and learn how to avoid their mother’s rages.

“Kathy, who had become the focus of her mother’s need to hurt and humiliate, looked at the kids with empathy.” 

In this passage, it is evident that Kathy is fully aware that she stands as a barrier between Shelly and her daughters, bearing the brunt of the abuse. This realization that she knew this and chose to stay is a reminder of her compassion and humanity—the opposite of Shelly. Sami’s memory of Kathy and her kindness towards her also help the reader to understand how and why Sami remained in denial about Kathy’s fate for so long: She could not bear to think that Kathy had sacrificed herself on Sami’s behalf.

“Shelly was clearly drugging Kathy. Some would later wonder if she’d also drugged Shane or any of her girls from time to time.”

This is the first time the reader sees Shelly drug someone outside of the family. It also becomes clear that Shelly’s daughters and Shane were likely drugged without knowing it at times. Her desire to drug those closest to her is a form of mind control and abuse, making her victims more susceptible and open to her violent behavior.

“[…] Shelly found her wayward nephew and coaxed him back into the car with the words that meant more to him than anything. She told him how much she loved him. Words he had to have known by then were false.” 

Olsen depicts this scene in which Shane is talked into returning with Shelly to show the reader how Shelly “love bombs” those closest to her. By showering the victim with love after abuse, an abuser can keep their victim coming back to them even when they know that nothing will change. She only wants Shane to return to their home so she can ensure that he will not tell anyone about what happened to Kathy Loreno. This tragic cycle will ultimately lead to Shelly likely demanding that Dave kill Shane and dispose of his body.

“[Shelly] was often a passive abuser, usually making Dave or Shane do her bidding. It was what she didn’t do sometimes that showed her indifference to others.” 

This passage reminds the reader that Shelly’s abuse was often executed by men close to her. She manipulates Dave and Shane in order to shift the blame for her violent whims onto them. By doing this, she can maintain enough of her daughters’ love for her that they won’t run away or disavow her completely. Abusers do not always look like active and dominant people; they can sometimes be passive, neglectful, or uninvolved as well.

“Shelly, whose mood had brightened considerably since the first few days following Kathy’s backyard cremation, practiced her concept first on Dave. It was like she was spinning a tale from one of the thriller potboilers she loved to read. She was excited. Buoyant. It was as if she was lifting the curtain on some kind of big reveal and was waiting for the audience to gasp and nod in enthusiasm.” 

Ironically, Shelly treats the cover story for Kathy’s death like a thriller, which is the same genre If You Tell uses to tell this story. Shelly takes joy when concocting a back story for Kathy’s death, proving that she does not feel any guilt or obligation to disclose what really happened to her children, the authorities, or Kathy’s family. She gets pleasure from tricking her imaginary audience, reveling in how easily she can get away with a crime. This scene will become especially important later once Shane “runs away” and Ron moves in and begins caretaking for Mac.

“One afternoon Sami was doing her chores—feeding the dogs tethered to the trees, then the rabbits, which were kept in the chicken house. When she went inside, she found Nikki sitting on a hay bale, laughing and crying at the same time. ‘I tried to kill myself,’ she told Sami. Nikki pointed to some twine from the hay bales she’d fashioned into a noose that she’d hung over a beam. It had snapped when she’d jumped from a bale to the chicken shed floor. ‘I can’t even do that right,’ she added. Despite the circumstances, both sisters laughed.” 

Both Sami and Nikki use dark humor to find something to laugh about in their terrible home life. As always, humor tends to have a grain of truth behind it, but in this case, Nikki isn’t trying to be funny when she shows Sami the noose. They laugh because in many ways, it feels fitting that they would be unable to kill themselves in Shelly’s home. If they died, they would no longer suffer, which she will never allow. This moment together, as bleak as it sounds, is another small bonding moment for the two sisters that will help them later on as Tori’s situation becomes dire.

“And then, just like that, Nikki no longer existed. Shelly never brought her up. Neither did Dave. It was like she was a ghost that had faded away somewhere never to return. Sami never brought Nikki up either. She didn’t dare. She didn’t want her family to know that she was still in touch with her sister.” 

Once Nikki finally obtains independence for herself, Shelly further distances her from the family by pretending she no longer exists. This is a means to separate her from her sisters and for Shelly to keep them under her control. Nikki’s independence endangers the bubble the family lives in commanded by Shelly, and therefore she views it as a threat.

“In reality, Dave, who had grown up dirt poor on the banks of Elk Creek, had never wanted the girls to go without. Arguments with Shelly over money never entered into the territory of depriving Nikki, Sami, or Tori of anything they might desire. Dance and drama lessons, sports, new clothes, birthday parties, and a menagerie of pets were all fine with him. Yet Dave could never fathom where all the money went.” 

This passage refers to Dave’s unwillingness to question Shelly’s spending habits, which send the family into a financial tailspin. Dave works hard to provide for his family, living apart from them five days a week, and they still barely make ends meet. Shelly uses money and guilt to keep Dave in the marriage, reminding him of his loyalty and the needs of their daughters. Dave is susceptible to this kind of manipulation due to his own impoverished upbringing. He also maintains innocence about the family’s finances, alleging he was unaware how Shelly managed their money despite ample evidence to the contrary. This claim makes it clear to the reader that he is still in denial about the extent of Shelly’s destruction and perhaps unable to take a more objective view.

“Shelly stayed put for what felt like a very long time. Maybe she was looking for more of a response. Maybe a different response? Tori didn’t know. She stayed silent. She was too scared to engage with her mother. Finally, Shelly left the room. Tori couldn’t sleep. All sorts of things ran through her mind. One stayed at the forefront. Oh my god, is she going to kill me and make it look like I killed myself?” 

Tori is now old enough to be aware of her mother’s abuse. This passage acts as an eerie mirror to Nikki’s experience earlier in the book, as Shelly stands over both of them in the middle of the night threatening to do them harm. What is particularly worrying this time is her confession that she could make it appear that Tori killed herself. This appalling and terrifying development suggests that Shelly’s penchant for violence has escalated and foreshadows that Tori herself might be in real danger without both of her sisters present in the house.

“Tori took it all in. She absorbed the message: she had the best mom in the world, and Nikki and Lara were her sworn enemies.” 

Like Sami, Tori is young, naive, and dedicated to her mother. Without access to her siblings or much of anyone outside of their house, she has no perspective on what the truth may be. This is another example of Shelly’s desire to “poison” Tori’s mind against her own family members so that she will remain loyal to her mother and not question her lies and perverse behavior.

“Nikki felt sure she had started something big. She felt she’d started an earthquake. Yet nothing happened. Nothing at all. As far as Nikki knew, the deputy never followed up. Never spoke to Sami. Never searched the house.” 

It takes years for Nikki to get up the courage to tell the authorities what her mother and stepfather did, and it is especially infuriating when she is not listened to right away. This decision on the part of Bergstrom is partially the reason why Ron and Mac died: Without questioning or investigating the rest of the Knoteks, there was no way to pin Shelly for her crimes. Later on, this will haunt the state prosecutors, who see Bergstrom’s mistake and will allow Shelly to take the Alford plea to spare themselves embarrassment during a trial.

“Sami sat there in the dark, thinking over and over that telling someone was not a good idea. It hadn’t felt good. It hadn’t freed her from anything. Instead, it made her sick to her stomach, angry, confused.” 

Throughout the book, Sami struggles with the idea of telling others about her family, choosing instead to hide behind a facade. Confiding in her boyfriend, Kaley, about what happened to Kathy, has the opposite effect of how Nikki felt: It makes her feel worse. Each sister has her own distinct way of coming to terms with Shelly and Dave’s crimes, and for Sami, speaking her experience aloud still feels vulnerable, scary, and dangerous. A part of her can never fully give up on her mother or stop loving her.

“Shelly thrived on segregating people. The girls from each other. Their father from the girls. Shane, Kathy, and Nikki were isolated from everyone.” 

Here Olsen states explicitly that Shelly purposefully isolates family members from one another and tells them lies to maintain control of them. This is another form of “poison” outside of drugging that allows them to stay vulnerable to her dangerous ideas and actions. When Tori later reunites with Sami and Nikki, she finally sees her mother’s lies for what they are.

“Sami started to cry and went into her mother’s bedroom. A second later, Shelly came in and held her, telling her that she was sorry for everything. She said that Kathy’s death had taken a terrible toll on her too. She said she could barely live with herself because she’d let things get out of control. Shelly admitted she’d made mistakes in judgment; however, she blamed Nikki and Shane for most of it.” 

Shelly tries to appear compassionate here towards Sami, who still struggles with the heavy burden of their family secret. For a moment, it appears that perhaps Shelly does feel remorse, before we realize that she will never take ownership for Kathy’s death. It is easier and more advantageous for her to pass the blame to Nikki and Shane, which she thinks will keep Sami from asking questions. The reader already knows that this is not true since Sami is in touch with Nikki. However, it is a final reminder to Sami just how disingenuous Shelly is.

“When the three Knotek sisters gathered at Duke’s Seafood & Chowder House on Seattle’s Lake Union the next day, it was, for Tori, like encountering the most amazing woman she’d ever seen. Her sister Nikki was twenty-eight, all grown up. So beautiful. Poised. She even smelled wonderful.”

Olsen describes the three sisters reuniting almost as though a spell has broken—perhaps a curse Shelly places on her daughters. This moment leads to the breakthrough that Nikki, Sami, and Tori all needed to finally mobilize together and take down Shelly and Dave. By learning to trust Nikki, and to trust Sami in a more profound way, Tori gains the courage to tell the truth, find the evidence of Ron’s death, and stay strong when she is taken away by Child Protective Services.

“It was like their family was a cutoff of some kind: Nikki had escaped first, then Sami. The world outside of Raymond was a more beautiful—and happy—place than Tori had ever thought possible.” 

Again, in this passage we see evidence of Shelly’s hold over Tori breaking, giving her the motivation to speak up and tell the truth. No longer isolated in their small house in a small town, Tori realizes that there is so much more to the world than her family, especially Shelly’s degrading abuse. She begins to understand that there will be opportunities for her outside of their family home but that in order to get there safely, she will need to tell her sisters the truth of what she thinks happened to Ron.