Left Neglected

“As I grope around for the phone, I touch my laptop, crayons, pens, my wallet, lipstick, keys, Goldfish crackers, a juice box, business cards, tampons, a diaper, receipts, Band-Aids, a Handi Wipes container, a calculator, and folders stuffed with papers.” 

The first chapters examine the chaotic nature of Sarah’s life, as she attempts to juggle her work and family life. The contents of her bag are a microcosm of her world, full of items that reflect both her work and parental duties. This passage also shows Sarah’s preoccupation with her phone, when she should be concentrating on driving, which foreshadows how she is on her phone when her accident occurs.

“I’m one of the only women playing at this level, and I don’t ever want to see that look in one of the partners’ eyes. There it is. She just banged her head on the ceiling. We’ve maxed her out. Go see if Carson or Joe can handle this one.”

Part of Sarah’s obsession with productivity is that she feels that, as a woman in a highly male-dominated company, she is under additional pressure to prove herself. It is especially difficult for Sarah, as a working mother, to prove that she does not need to be on a “Mommy track,” that she is capable of accomplishing just as much, if not more, than a man not expected to be responsible for parenting duties. This is one other element to the stress that Sarah faces in trying to juggle her work and family life.

“I’m alive because I’m listening to the rain, and the rain becomes the hand of God strumming his fingers on the roof, deciding what to do.”

Sarah is extremely fortunate that she survives her accident. This passage shows that Sarah is unsure of whether she is alive or dead. She determines that she is alive, but does not know if she will remain that way. This passage also indicates Sarah’s spiritual side that she does not discuss much, but it is clear from other scenes in the novel that Sarah definitely believes in God and God’s hand in what happens to her and her family.

“Bob, I know I have a left hand, but I have no idea where it is.” 

This passage is the first indication that Sarah understands that there is something very wrong with her. When the nurse first asks Sarah to squeeze her left hand, Sarah does not grasp what she means, but she falls asleep again without examining the meaning of this situation. When Sarah is fully conscious and speaks with Dr. Kwon, the bizarre manifestation of her condition comes fully to her attention. It seems absurd to Sarah that she has no way of locating her left hand, but when she tries to send a message to her brain, it rejects that message.

“I’m convinced I’m going to be the best traumatic brain injury patient Baldwin has ever seen.”

Sarah tries to transfer her competitive “can’t lose” attitude towards work and life to her recovery and rehabilitation. She thinks that she can apply her strategies of working longer hours and devoting all her energy into “winning” at recovery. When Sarah learns from Dr. Kwon that there is no “typical” recovery time for Left Neglect, but that some patients have recovered in as little as two weeks, Sarah is determined to be at the “superior” end of the spectrum. This is before Sarah learns that her recovery is not solely dependent on her personal effort. 

“What I perceive and what I understand to be true are at war inside my head, fighting to the death, giving me a colossal headache.”

This passage demonstrates how Sarah’s perception of her surroundings are radically at odds with reality. Sarah knows that Heidi is in the room because she can hear her voice, but despite trying over and over, she cannot see her. The strain of trying to convince her brain to see things that should be there overwhelms Sarah.

“Yeah, but I don’t know how to do this. This isn’t like getting all A’s or getting the job I want or meeting a deadline. This isn’t ‘do these ten things and your brain will be back to normal.’”

Sarah learns that there is no standard procedure for recovering from Left Neglect. She follows rules, using them to her advantage, and excelling at everything she does. Sarah feels beaten down by how hard she has worked for what she believes to be little progress. Sarah wants a clear path with definable goals, but finds that there is none, which leads to great frustration on her part. In these ways, this challenge forces her to approach and measure success in ways that are very different from what she has done in the past.

“I’m suddenly and surprisingly flooded with hot emotion, like every complicated feeling I’d ever had about my mother had been lying unexamined and undisturbed, a thick film of dust on a table in the attic, untouched for thirty years, and she just blew a puff of air across the surface, throwing every particle of hurt into turbulent motion.” 

Sarah’s relationship with her mother is one of the primary themes of the story. When Helen first arrives, Sarah just tries to ignore her and wishes she would leave. All her anger and resentment about their past simmers under the surface, but Sarah keeps a lid on it. When her mother comments that Sarah needs to start accepting her limitations, however, Sarah cannot contain her emotions. Even in that moment, as Sarah shakes with adrenaline, she still cannot tell her mother how she truly feels. Helen notes Sarah’s anger and backs off, afraid of further agitating Sarah. This passage also foreshadows future confrontation.

“It sounds like I’m no longer on the road to recovery. It sounds instead like I’ve been detoured onto some slow, crappy dead-end road that leads to an abandoned, boarded-up building where everyone has given up on me.” 

Despite the difficulties of her time at Baldwin, Sarah has never doubted that she would make a full recovery. Now she is being released at the order of the insurance company, and Sarah feels like this is a pronouncement by both the company and her doctors that she is never going to get any better. This is an intensely depressing notion to Sarah, who feels her natural inclination to keep fighting diminished by the lack of commitment on the part of others to her continued progress. 

Despite the difficulties of her time at Baldwin, Sarah has never doubted that she would make a full recovery. Now she is being released at the order of the insurance company, and Sarah feels like this is a pronouncement by both the company and her doctors that she is never going to get any better. This is an intensely depressing notion to Sarah, who feels her natural inclination to keep fighting diminished by the lack of commitment on the part of others to her continued progress. 

Helen’s refusal to return home angers Sarah. The reader gets more detail about Sarah’s childhood, how her mother completely neglected her after her brother’s death. Sarah believes that she has put the trauma of her past behind her, though it is clear from her attitude and emotional reaction to her mother’s presence that she has not. Sarah has not resolved her feelings and does not wish to try to work things out with her mother.

“I’ve been so focused on what’s horrible and unfair and terrifying about my condition that I hadn’t acknowledged what is positive about my condition, as if the positive had been sitting quietly by itself on the far edge of the left side of my condition, there but completely ignored.” 

Heidi, as Sarah’s friend, is the one who makes Sarah see the positive elements of her life and stops her from wallowing in her anger and sadness. Sarah needs the reminder of how lucky she genuinely is, to be alive and in command of her intellect and memory, unlike many of her fellow patients at Baldwin. Sarah truly appreciates how fortunate she is, in this moment.

“Whenever I think my deficit might actually be subtle and not that big of a deal, I experience something like this, indisputable evidence to the contrary. The extent of my Neglect is always bigger than I think.” 

Sarah arrives home after her release from the rehabilitation center and gets upset because she did not notice the giant Christmas tree when she first entered the living room. This is another example of how Sarah’s perception of the world suffers from her condition. She can understand missing small details of a room that are to her left side, but failing to see an entire Christmas tree reminds her of the extent to which she is missing so much of the world around her.

“Our brains work in a different way than most people’s do, and we have to figure out how to make ours work.” 

Sarah’s experience with trying to retrain her own brain brings her special insight into Charlie’s struggles with his ADHD. She is able to evoke her own difficulties to help Charlie understand that his obstacles are not the result of him being “stupid,” but due to differences that are naturally a part of the way his brain functions. That they are in this process together is of enormous help to both Sarah and Charlie.

“Everything I do now is about looking left, scanning left, finding left. I want to hold a glass of delicious red wine in my right hand and toast to my anniversary with my lovely, if slightly hairy and rude, husband. I want to eat, drink, and be merry like the young couple next to us.” 

Sarah had been looking forward to a chance to get away with Bob for a dinner alone, a chance to forget all the trials she has been through recently, but things do not go according to plan. Bob feels compelled to answer work texts, Sarah cannot cut her own meat, and Bob’s gift to her feels more like a therapy tool than an expression of love. Sarah compares their situation with the seemingly carefree and celebratory young couple at the next table and gets sad. This passage shows how much their lives have changed.

“He’s burning the candle at both ends, and I’m worried that at some point there’ll be nothing left of him but a puddle of wax.” 

Sarah is concerned about the stress Bob is under in trying to keep his company afloat. Her attitude is ironic, since she herself, prior to her accident, worked too hard during too many hours, obsessively putting work ahead of her own health and well-being. Sarah, now that she can see that kind of lifestyle at a distance, realizes how unhealthy and unsustainable it is and she worries for Bob.

“Of course, I miss work, but I don’t miss that jumpy feeling that comes with having to react all day at any given second to the next urgent phone call, to the thirty unexpected emails that come in while I’m in a meeting, or to whatever unforeseen crisis is undoubtedly heading my way before 6:00.” 

Sarah undergoes a transformation while in Vermont. She learns to relax, enjoy being with her children as they play, and even begins to paint. Life has slowed down for her and she loves the change. Prior to her accident, Sarah would have thought that she needed the intensity of work, that she thrived on the accelerated pace. Forced to give that life up, as she mentions in this passage, she understands it is actually the part of her life that she does not miss.

“Pre-accident me is so black-and-white, and it occurs to me that, like Charlie, she has more confidence than the goods to back it up.”

Sarah is stuck between her desire to get back to skiing and her fear that she will not be able to do it. Her pre-accident self assures her that she will do it, but that endlessly confident part of her suffers from the challenges of her condition. Sarah watches Charlie fling himself down the hills on his snowboard, falling constantly, and worries that she will do the same, since she does not have the capability to ski again. This passage shows that Sarah recognizes that prior to her accident, she saw her world in absolutes to a greater extent than she does now and that her desire to go back to her old life is not realistic.

“I feel like Mike hurled a huge rock through the glass wall of my preconceptions, hitting it dead center, shattering my fear into a million glittery pieces on the snow around me. I feel unburdened and beyond grateful.” 

Allowing herself to try snowboarding is a major development in Sarah’s post-accident life journey. She had so many preconceptions of what “handicapped” and “normal” were. Now Sarah has developed a greater understanding of the multitude of ways in which people can accomplish what they desire in life. This understanding opens up the world and its possibilities, and Sarah feels joyful and grateful.

“I sit in my favorite chair in my sacred space, my heart pounding, each beat fueled by equal parts exhilaration and fear, wondering if my proclaimed readiness is reasonable optimism or a laughable lie.” 

Since her accident, Sarah’s goal has been to return to work. Now that that possibility may become a reality, when Richard calls her to come in for a meeting to discuss her return, Sarah feels conflicted. She had assured Richard that she is ready, but now that she considers this reality, she wonders how she can pull this off. Sarah knows her current, extensive limitations and fears that they are too great to surmount.

“The reception area and hallway felt like home to me, but my office, which I’ve probably logged more hours in over the last eight years than in my actual home, feels somehow too strange, like it’s now a crime scene under investigation, and although there’s no police tape, I’d better not go in and disturb anything.” 

Sarah has looked forward to going back to her office, to the place where she felt competent and admired for how well she did her job. She had imagined herself back at her desk, firing up her computer and looking out at her view. When she actually stands at the threshold, Sarah does not feel comfortable about entering. This passage shows the changes that have occurred in Sarah’s life, as she has come to realize the importance of balance between work and her family. Her old office is the scene of her old life, when her existence was radically out of balance, and it feels “wrong” to be there.

“Maybe success can be something else, and maybe there’s another way to get there. Maybe there’s a different road for me with a more reasonable speed limit.”

When Sarah finally rejects the offer to return to her old job, despite Bob’s vigorous protests, she is secure in her belief that it is the right thing to do. She used to measure success by the biggest house, the best car, the highest salary. Now Sarah recognizes that there are more important things than money in life, and more and varied ways to measure success.

“‘You don’t know, Sarah. I hope you never know what it’s like.’ I realize now that today wasn’t just about Linus for my mother.” 

Sarah has already forgiven her mother by the time that this scene takes place, but her experience with “losing” Linus and dreading what might have happened to him because of her moment of inattention greatly increases her understanding of what her mother went through when Nate drowned. Sarah sees that her mother has remained haunted all these years with guilt and regret over his death. Sarah is profoundly thankful that her mother saved Linus from walking out into traffic, and she pities her for the pain her mother’s heart has suffered.

“I miss my old paycheck and the sense of pride, power, and worth that it gave me. I make a lot less money now. A lot less. But what I’ve lost in dollars, I’ve gained in time.” 

Sarah’s new job with the NEHSA, and her new life with her family in Vermont are the fulfillment of the life lessons she gained as a result of her accident. Sarah’s accident may have forced her to slow down, but once that happened, she realized that true riches lie in living life with your loved ones. This is a tremendous transformation, in which Sarah now realizes that joy shouldn’t be measured in dollars. She feels fulfilled in being home.