Men Have Called Her Crazy

“THE PEOPLE YOU’RE SO GRATEFUL FOR LOVE YOU, AND YOU’RE FILLING THEM WITH A PAIN SO INTENSE IT FEELS LIKE DEATH. YOU’RE CREATING A TORNADO OF DESTRUCTION WHERE EVERYONE LOSES SOMETHING.”

Tendler describes her experience attending Al-Anon before reacting in her mind strongly to the experiences of her fellow Dalby House women, many of whom have struggled with substance abuse disorder. Though Tendler never explicitly mentions her ex-husband John Mulaney by name in the text, he has been vocal about his experience with substance abuse disorder. This reaction is an indirect reference to him. In it, she employs the metaphor “a tornado of destruction” to describe the chaos and emotional harm addiction causes. The hyperbolic phrase “pain so intense it feels like death” further underscores the emotional weight’s intensity.

 “My life feels like it’s falling apart. Everything I thought I knew about my world is unraveling, and I feel powerless to stop it. I don’t know how I’m ever going to feel better. Some days I feel utterly hopeless. My wish for myself is that one day I’ll reach a place where I can face hardship—because I fear the worst is still to come—without trying to destroy myself.”

This dialogue reflects Tendler’s first time sharing her feelings in Dalby House after the AA guest speaker gives a talk to the women. Tendler’s hopelessness feels visceral and out of control, evidenced by phrases such as life “falling apart” and the world “unraveling.” However, she still has hope for the future, juxtaposing her current despair with longing for future healing—notably, getting to a place where she can “face hardship” without destroying herself.

“Being the bearer of good news to the rest of the group, to join in this celebration, no matter how small, makes me feel like I am part of their team. In this quotidian exchange, they allow me into something I am barely a part of, and they do so enthusiastically.”

Tendler expresses her joy at finally feeling part of the Dalby House community. The term “quotidian” contrasts with the emotional significance she experiences in the seemingly mundane act of sharing good news. This highlights how, in Dalby House, even small moments of inclusion carry notable significance for Tendler. Her use of “enthusiastically” further emphasizes the acceptance she feels from the other women.

“All she can do is sit and stare out the window, incandescent as life leaves her body. A woman was thought by many to have contracted consumption due to some moral failing, so while her beauty was fetishized, her character was denigrated. F**king men.”

Tendler reflects on society’s historical view of consumption or tuberculosis. The phrase “incandescent as life leaves her body” intensifies the image of slow, painful death and the social commentary on women’s dual objectification: admired for her beauty but blamed for her perceived moral failings. The explicit phrase, “F**king men,” is an emotional exclamation, reflecting the anger and frustration Tendler feels and The Impact of Gender Dynamics on Personal Identity. Tendler’s emphasis on society’s simultaneous fetishization and moral judgment critiques how women's suffering is viewed through a distorted, misogynistic lens.

“In my mom’s defense, I saw how my dad’s propensity toward condescension and competition activated my mom’s worst qualities. But these behaviors were more covert and therefore more difficult for me to identify when I was a child.”

Tendler’s self-awareness allows her to analyze her past in a meaningful way. As a child, she was aware of her mother’s rage, but her father’s negative emotional qualities that contributed to Tendler’s strain trauma were less visible to her, evidenced by the phrase “these behaviors were more convert.” In retrospect, she can analyze these familial dynamics with increased discernment.

“At sixteen, I saw myself as Annie Leibovitz or Linda McCartney. I did not see myself as a teenager, but maybe this was because so few people treated me like I was one.”

Tendler compares herself to famous photographers Annie Leibovitz and Linda McCartney, which illustrates her desire to be seen as a mature, creative force rather than a typical teenager. This feeling was exacerbated by other’s views of her—particularly men—evidenced by the phrase, “so few people treated me like I was one.” Tendler’s description foreshadows the negative romantic relationships she will have with adult men while still a teenager. This foreshadowing creates dramatic tension in the narrative.

“Even though I had met him at a show while he was on tour, I thought of myself as some special anomaly. I had placed my trust in him fully, a bestowal that now felt so stupid and naive.”

Tendler uses the term “special anomaly” to express her distorted sense of uniqueness in a romantic context, which highlights her naivety and trust in this man. Tendler’s language—like “so stupid and naive”—illustrates her past judgment of herself. The use of “bestowal” depicts Tendler giving her feelings to this man, who fails to reciprocate her devotion. As part of The Process of Healing and Self-Discovery, Tendler becomes more empathetic toward her past self, including regarding her past mistakes.

“The weight of everything we had gone through was too heavy for us to outrun or work through. It was sad to give up someone with whom I had so much fun, laughed so hard, and with whom I felt entirely myself. It was, however, the right thing for both of us to walk away. With love and respect for the time we spent so closely entwined, we parted ways, this time for good.”

After her divorce, Tendler finds every romantic relationship ending heart-breaking and earth-shattering. However, when she and David broke up, she knew it was the right thing and described it in positive language, particularly parting “with love and respect.” This illustrates that their relationship and its ending were both healthy, which is in stark contrast to Tendler’s later relationships.

“Why are women so f**king ashamed of ourselves? I blame men.”

Tendler’s direct, blunt questioning of societal norms exposes her frustration with how women internalize shame—a feeling she notices while embarrassed to have an ovarian cyst in inpatient care. Her sweeping statement, “I blame men,” not only reflects her anger but also critiques the patriarchal systems that perpetuate such feelings of inadequacy and guilt in women. The starkness of her language emphasizes the depth of her aversion toward men and how she interrogates the misogynistic nature of society.

“Here is the thing about men lying to women while telling them they are crazy or overreacting. The lying, the underplaying on their side, makes us doubt our intuition and intelligence, so eventually when suspicions are confirmed, when we find out we have been correct all along, we do go batshit fucking crazy. And it is warranted.”

Though she does not use the term explicitly, Tendler describes her experience of being gaslighted by Theo about his friend Rachel. She argues that her anger is warranted after his betrayal. The phrase “batshit fucking crazy” employs colloquialism and hyperbole to emphasize the intensity of this emotional experience. The irony lies in the fact that a woman's perceived “craziness” or “overreaction” is a rational reaction to being manipulated. Tendler uses generalizing language to illustrate that this experience is not personal to her but rather more universal to women’s experiences with men, underscoring the role of patriarchy and The Impact of Gender Dynamics on Personal Identity.

“I can understand how God, as a concept, is extremely comforting. I am, I admit, even a little envious of that comfort.”

Religion plays a small role in Men Have Called Her Crazy, as Tendler explores her experiences attending an Episcopalian school while living in a culturally Jewish family. She yearns for the comfort of knowing that there is something after death. However, she cannot find belief in God and, therefore, finds religion’s comforts enviable.

“I spent the rest of the trip obsessively checking my body for blackened, dead patches of skin whenever I got a moment alone.”

Tendler’s search for bubonic plague on her body during a road trip with her family illustrates the pervasiveness of her anxiety. Tendler illustrates that her behavior was “obsessive,” further illustrating the debilitating nature of her hypochondria, as she scrutinizes her body for signs of illness in secret. The vivid imagery of “blackened, dead batches of skin” heightens the viscerally of her intrusive thoughts.

“My brain did not allow me one day to not consider her mortality.”

Tendler again illustrates her anxious tendencies. Because of Petunia’s myriad health problems, Tendler constantly thought of Petunia’s death, even when she was a puppy. Her brain, described here as a separate entity from Tendler herself, would not allow her to fully relax and enjoy Petunia’s life.

“I thought if she was always with me, under my desk while I sewed my fingers raw making maximalist lampshades for a community of aesthetes willing to spend the money on my work, I could keep her safe.”

Tendler believes proximity to her and the ritual of lampshade creation will keep Petunia safe from harm or medical emergencies. However, when Tendler enters Dalby, she must entrust Petunia to her mother. Their separation is necessary to keep Tendler safe.

“It’s the only time I have written in this notebook.”

While on a walk, Tendler realizes that her thoughts are more fluid and narrative. She worries that she will not have enough space in her notebook for all her thoughts and that she won’t have enough thoughts to fill the notebook. The notebook represents her anxiety; when she doesn’t feel the need to write or try to write in it, Tendler illustrates that her anxiety is lessening.

“Be kind to me, or treat me mean, Fiona Apple sings. I’ll make the most of it, I’m an extraordinary machine.”

Tendler quotes the Fiona Apple song she quoted on a necklace during jewelry therapy. In doing so, she reveals her improved mental state after her time in Dalby House. Regardless of how others treat her due to Mental Health and Societal Expectations, Tendler will rise above like “an extraordinary machine.” This song playing as Tendler drives away with Petunia emphasizes this point.

“There is comfort and happiness in beauty if I am willing to relish it.”

When Tendler and Petunia return home, Tendler has a candlelit dinner with just Petunia at her side. Though she is still in pain and living with mental illness, there is still joy and beauty around her. She acknowledges she just needs to be “willing to relish it.”

“I hate men. I hate them so much. Men are the cause of all my problems. Men are the cause of everyone’s problems. They are stupid and they are arrogant. They think everything they say is true and right. I hate them so fucking much I don’t even know if I can fuck them anymore. Men are argumentative. Or they are avoidant. The argumentative ones, like the one sitting in front of me now, are the kind of men who google things you say to verify if they are correct.”

During her date with Reece, he accuses Tendler of misandry. This angers Tendler. Though she does not hate men by the end of the memoir, her distaste for the male gender during her conflict with Reece is visceral and provides a snapshot of her emotional state at the moment of the date. The repeated use of “I hate” and generalizations about men amplify the intensity of her frustration.

“I want him to see how special I am and I want him to choose me. I want him to want to text me, but if he doesn’t want it, I’m pretty sure I can persuade him to want it.”

Tendler’s desire to make Reece want her illustrates how, even after her time in Dalby House, some of her identity is still connected to obtaining validation from men. She wants Reece to want her to prove to herself that she’s desirable, as she still does not feel worthy on her own.

“My reservations are not only tied to men, however. They’re also shaped by the particular ways I want my life and my time to be my own. I’ve never woken up at eight a.m. on a Saturday and thought, God, I’d love to take a kid to soccer practice right now.”

Tendler’s thought process mirrors her mother’s in this reflection. Tendler wants freedom that motherhood cannot provide, evidenced by the imagined situation of waking up early to take a child to a soccer game. Tendler’s mother stopped taking Tendler to Broadway auditions because she also wanted freedom.

“Turns out it wasn’t a me problem. It was a latex problem. And a patriarchal problem.”

After the realization of her latex allergy, Tendler sees that her failure to realize that something was wrong is steeped in patriarchal views of sex. Women’s pleasure is not spoken about or prioritized, so Tendler’s pain during sex did not ring any alarm bells, further illustrating the negative outcomes caused by systemic patriarchy.

“My reexamination practice is mired in grief—for time I wasted, and for the woman I was who could not acknowledge her own worth. I have chased unrequited affection because to me, struggle is indicative of love. Volatility is indicative of love. Dismissal is indicative of love. But that is not how I want to do love anymore.”

Tendler’s description of her past experiences with love and her refusal to continue in these self-destructive patterns is essential to her understanding of The Process of Healing and Self-Discovery. She is sad for the woman she once was who sought to obtain validation solely from others, but she knows she will not be that person anymore. She’s grown and is ready to embrace a love that is not “volatile” nor “dismissive.”

“I also enjoyed the way pushing Petunia around allowed me to cosplay motherhood.”

Petunia fulfills the role of a child in Tendler’s life, offering Tendler the opportunity to fulfill the role of caretaker and mother to another being. Tendler gets to taste parts of motherhood without the full loss of freedom and autonomy that motherhood within a heteronormative relationship can bring, evidenced by her use of the phrase “cosplay.”