46 pages • 1 hour read
Valarie KaurSee No Stranger: A Memoir and Manifesto of Revolutionary Love
Valarie KaurNonfiction | Autobiography / Memoir | Adult | Published in 2020A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.
Themes
Empathizing With Marginalized Communities
As a member of the Sikh community living in post-9/11 America, Kaur’s novel instructs readers on how to wonder about others, how to grieve with others, and how to fight for others. This advice stems from the hate crimes Kaur and her community experienced after 9/11 and applies to how marginalized communities are perceived and treated because of stereotypes. To avoid perpetuating stereotypes, Kaur encourages readers to wonder about those who look, speak, act, or worship differently than themselves. Kaur describes this thoughtfulness as “the act that returns us to love” (4). As such, it is especially vital to consider strangers or people we may classify as outsiders. Curiosity can interrogate the stereotypes one may be inclined to accept and challenge individuals to love beyond their kin. As the book’s title exemplifies, Kaur desires for people to See No Stranger, or to break down the barriers presented by the sociological concept of “us” and “them.” She encourages readers to see both strangers and outsiders as “us.”
To support marginalized communities, Kaur encourages individuals to show up and grieve with those who have been subjected to violence. This means showing up for strangers when hate crimes have occurred and joining them as they mourn. Readers see Kaur learn this lesson when thousands of community members show up to express sorrow at Uncle Balbir’s memorial, which leaves a tremendous impression on his grieving wife. Kaur begins to practice this type of communal grieving when she travels to Oak Grove after the massacre in the gurdwara. She makes personal connections with many of the families who lost someone in the shooting, attends the shared memorial service, and cries over all that has been lost. She also drives to Newtown, Connecticut, to mourn the children lost in the mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary. She attends many other vigils and memorials throughout the text because she sees mourning as a gateway to healing. She writes, “The act of naming the violence and grieving loss in a community is how the hole turns into a wound that can heal” (33). When supported, people are more capable of recovering from tremendous loss. Sharing grief is a way to love others in a revolutionary way. It is also a way to create bonds with people who were once strangers. An important aspect of communal grieving is keeping memory alive; Kaur cautions against the tendency to sensationalize a tragedy and then quickly forget it. Being present for others requires persistence, as healing takes time.
The third way to empathize with marginalized communities is to fight for them. Fighting for justice is a central part of Sikh ideology, and this type of action can take many forms. Readers see Kaur fight for justice as she documents and draws attention to hate crimes, attends protests, and uses her law knowledge to protect people from discriminatory police departments and mass incarceration. For Kaur, the way to fight for marginalized groups is by challenging or disrupting the institutions based on white supremacy. She writes: “For the warrior-sage the fight is not just a means to an end. The fight is a way of being in the world, an ongoing labor of love” (94). Fighting injustices is a central part of loving others. Kaur encourages readers to envision a more just world and fight against the institutions and ideas that are in the way.
Facing an Opponent
Kaur lays out the three steps she recommends taking when dealing with an opponent: rage, listen, and reimagine. First, one must allow themselves to experience the rage that one’s opponent incites rather than tamping it down. Kaur encourages readers to find a safe space in which they can express their rage. This typically involves stepping away from the immediate situation, letting some time pass, and taking part in activities in which rage can safely be channeled like sports, art, or writing. For a long time, Kaur suppresses her rage, but she grows when she realizes her rage has a purpose. Kaur writes, “Anger is the force that protects that which is loved. We cannot access the depth of loving ourselves or others without rage” (106). Rage helps individuals protect what needs protecting. As such, she views rage as an integral part of revolutionary love. Kaur channels her rage through art and protest, engaging in actions and creating documentaries to expose the things that enrage her and inspire change.
Alongside rage, Kaur emphasizes the importance of being available to listen, even if the ability to listen arrives years later. Kaur listens to Roshan, who sexually abused her as a teen and threatened her with a gun as an adult, years after his assaults. She places several phone calls to Roshan to hear him take responsibility for his actions and listen to his side of the story. He expresses his regret, and she finds relief through these conversations. She encourages Rana Sodhi to do the same, and he finds relief after speaking with his brother’s murderer. Kaur writes, “The more I listen, the less I hate” (139), meaning that honest communication is part of healing and creating a new world. Likewise, understanding one’s opponent is valuable, even if no agreement is reached. This is shown when Kaur confronts the men using racial slurs in the restaurant, who ultimately express that they view some people as “subhuman.” While it could be tempting to ignore such points of view altogether, Kaur emphasizes that hateful and discriminatory ideas spread when they are not actively countered. By hearing these unvarnished opinions, activists can accurately strategize counternarratives and actions.
After listening to one’s opponent, the most important thing an individual can do is reimagine the way they want things to be. Kaur writes, “We needed to reimagine the world. The greatest social reformers in history did not only resist oppressors – they held up a vision of what the world ought to be” (171). It is not enough to know one wants certain things to stop; they must be able to offer up the changes they want to see. In the text, this happens in New Haven when the people reimagine what they want the police force to look like. With Kaur’s legal aid, they reform the police force into a unit that better serves the people. Without a vision for what reform looks like, lasting reform will not occur. This is evident in the case of Northern, the supermax prison. While activists succeeded in getting some prisoners released, the US has yet to replace mass incarceration with alternative justice solutions. As a result, the prison population has begun to increase once more. Kaur offers a vision of transformative justice in her reconciliation with Roshan, positing one potential path toward a reimagined future.
Dealing With the Most Challenging Moments in Life
Kaur iterates that to deal with life’s most challenging moments, people must be willing to breathe, push, and transition, using labor as an extended metaphor for change. In this way, giving birth—one of the most physically demanding experiences—becomes analogous to enduring life’s hardships. First, people must be willing to breathe and be present, even in distressing moments. She writes: "When we pay attention to our breath, our minds are called to the present moment [. . .] Present to emotion. Present to sensation. Present to surroundings. Present to one another. Present to ourselves" (216). She expands on this metaphor as she summarizes the events of the mass shooting at Oak Creek and asserts that, as one bears witness to these events through her summary, breathing will be vital. Kaur also provides insight into how breathing helped her navigate the months that followed this very difficult massacre. She describes breathing as an anchor for herself and those around her who grieved during this tragedy.
Kaur also recognizes the value of pushing through "grief, rage, and trauma," for on the other side, she finds "healing, forgiveness, and even reconciliation" (253). Kaur shares how she and Sharat overcome vaginismus and emotional trauma to achieve pleasurable intercourse. This is not achieved by ignoring these troubles and just pushing forward but with tremendous patience, support from Sharat, and much emotional work from Kaur. Readers watch again as she pushes Roshan to acknowledge his harm and the hardships she has faced because of his actions. In this way, she moves toward a more healed and complete version of herself who does not have to carry the burden of hatred or the trauma of the past. In the same vein, it is important to not give up, even when it’s hard. Because Kaur persists in her interpersonal relationships rather than abandoning people who hurt her, she is able to reconcile with Papa Ji before his death.
Finally, Kaur states that transition, the most painful step, is vital because it represents new possibilities. Transition is the stage of birth that makes it possible for the baby to pass through the vaginal canal; while a baby can be fully developed in the womb, it needs to be born to truly begin its life. Metaphorically, transition is the moment in which space is opened up for something new. Kaur refers to the immigrants, activists, women, and communities of color who acted following Trump’s election. For Kaur, the election was painful; however, his presidency opened a door for the people to care for each other in a way the president could not. A crisis can inspire people to reimagine a better future. In this way, Kaur leads readers to understand the value of breathing, pushing, and transitioning through the moments that challenge them the most.
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