The Family Crucible: The Intense Experience of Family Therapy

Don takes center stage at the next meeting, emphasizing the pain of being considered a child and ranting about the lack of intelligence of some of his peers at school. Whitaker warns that if Don looks down on his peers, they will grow to hate him for it; he also questions Don on why he feels like an adult. David (as usual) interjects to explain that Don always seems to get upset when he and Carolyn grow closer, which Whitaker reasons can be amended if David acts more like an adult in dealing with Don, rather than like his friend. When Carolyn angrily tells Don that she doesn’t appreciate his attitude or the way he talks to her, he gets up in a rage, hoping to leave the meeting. In the process, he trips over Whitaker and knocks his glasses off.

Whitaker responds by tackling Don, and the two end up in a tussle that lasts minutes as Whitaker continuously holds Don down and Don struggles to get free. Claudia and Laura both plead with Whitaker to let Don up, but Whitaker assures them he isn’t hurting Don. Whitaker believes that he and Don have hated one another from the beginning of therapy, and this is the culmination of that hatred. When Don eventually agrees to surrender, Napier notices that David is crying. In seeing Whitaker so willing to be close with Don, David thought of his own father’s coldness when he was growing up. The meeting ends on a calm and even humorous note, and Don and David begin wrestling as a new way of bonding.

Looking back on the meeting, Napier admits that Whitaker’s response was unprofessional at best, but in some ways inevitable. Don even seemed to warm up to Whitaker afterward.

In the later stages of therapy, families tend to search for an ultimate solution to their problems while simultaneously continuing to fight against change. Whitaker’s response to Don is the result of becoming overly involved and in fact part of the family system of the Brices. For this to happen, the family in therapy has to be willing to take risks, and the therapist has to be willing to become emotionally involved. All of this ideally will lead to a “therapeutic moment” like the one between Don and Whitaker. Napier speculates that Whitaker also must have seen some part of himself in Don that he did not like. A personal response is the result of this therapeutic moment, which can come in many forms. Napier explains that families who take risks and pull harder on a therapist for help play a role in this development, as does the therapist’s own personal stake and willingness to involve themselves. Therapists have to be aware of becoming too involved or projecting too much of their own lives onto the families, while balancing that with variety and emotional investment. Having a co-therapist, attending therapy as a therapist, and emphasizing one’s own self-growth as a therapist all aid in successful therapy. Family therapists should also aim to address the intrapersonal aspects of each individual to then access the interpersonal issues of the family. Napier concludes the chapter by citing his concerns about an increasing trend in psychology toward formula and technique, which he warns can deaden a therapist to their work.

By mid-winter, the issues amongst the children are largely resolved and what remains is a conflict between Carolyn and David that remains inadequately expressed. By March, Whitaker and Napier, along with the children, are bored and welcome any sort of change. During a meeting in March, Carolyn begins with a concern that David doesn’t appreciate her. David reacts defensively, claiming that Carolyn’s concerns are exaggerated. He deflects by telling Carolyn that she doesn’t meet his sexual needs, and the two accuse one another of using these things against the other. The argument grows more intense,, and Napier tries to remind them to talk about themselves, rather than blame the other. Whitaker and Napier agree that Carolyn should stop trying to change her husband and seek approval from herself—make herself the center of her own world. Carolyn breaks down then, crying harder than she has in years as her family watches in silent shock. She guides herself back to a calm state as Whitaker encourages her to rely on herself.

David calls Napier on a Sunday afternoon, alarmed about Carolyn, who has been crying for hours. Napier advises David to stay with Carolyn and simply exist with her, and when David calls back to tell Napier that Carolyn is fine, he is relieved. At the next meeting, Carolyn explains that while going for a drive with David, he began touching her forehead, and it was a tender moment she had longed for. The tears were an accumulation over her entire life. By encouraging David to handle the situation on his own, Napier awakened something in both him and Carolyn. Carolyn seemed more alive and energetic, as though she had released the pent-up emotion that had been stored inside her for years. Napier notes that it is often the wife who first has the vision for a better life and chooses to fight for it, and it is the husband’s decision to grow too or flounder that impacts how the marriage unfolds from there. Carolyn announces one day that she went to bed on her own for the first time, and even manages to joke about her own previously absurd notion that she couldn’t. She also found, to her surprise, that David was upset with her for doing so.

As Carolyn continues to find herself and her independence, she becomes more jovial, confident, and separate from David, who finds the entire process intimidating and cannot manage the same joy for individualism. When David is offered a job in another city, the prospect clearly upsets Carolyn. Carolyn confesses that she believes David doesn’t care what happens to their marriage, and she is considering staying behind if he chooses to take the job. Although Napier and Whitaker list several possibilities for how the situation could turn out, David and Carolyn’s positions remained unchanged. David goes to the job interview two weeks later.