The Swifts: A Dictionary of Scoundrels

The laboratory is filled with broken glass, and someone burned the evidence that the children gathered. Only a fragment of the message from the crossbow bolt remains. Phenomena agrees that the handwriting resembles that on the place card. She wonders how anyone knew about their evidence and why they destroyed her entire lab when the evidence was easily accessible. Shenanigan stops Phenomena from drinking from a beverage in the lab, realizing that it has been laced with cyanide.

The children hear a commotion downstairs and hurry to investigate. Someone knocked Aunt Inheritance unconscious and set the hidden room on fire. Inheritance attempts to retrieve the EEK from the blaze, but she retreats to safety when Erf intervenes.

Shenanigan hurries to Aunt Schadenfreude’s study when she hears a gunshot. She finds Cook tending to a bullet hole in Flora’s chest because the doctor is missing. Flora drops Cook’s missing keys, and two suitcases peek out of a hidden passageway. When Shenanigan asks Flora who shot her, she urges the girl to find Daisy. Fauna stitches up her sister’s wound.

The adult Swifts take a vote and decide that Cook is the most likely suspect because they don’t recognize her as part of the family. The Swifts mistakenly insist that she is an employee and point out that she has the strength and athletic skill needed to kill Gumshoe and Pamplemousse. They accuse Cook of coveting the treasure and debate how they intend to kill her. Shenanigan argues in Cook’s defense, but the grown-ups ignore her. Through the windows, the girl sees Daisy point a crossbow at Candour and force him into the hedge maze.

Shenanigan rushes into the hedge maze. By the time she reaches the center, Daisy is already there, aiming the crossbow at Candour’s heart. Shenanigan distracts Daisy, and Candour knocks the woman out with the crossbow. He claims that Flora and Daisy were conspiring to steal the family treasure and that Daisy shot Flora. However, Shenanigan senses that he’s lying, and her suspicions are confirmed when she sees that John scratched his hand. Seeing that Shenanigan has realized the truth, the doctor aims a pistol at her.

Shenanigan asks him what his name means and is baffled to learn that “candour” means “honesty and truthfulness” (274). Candour explains that Daisy isn’t the first heiress he’s swindled. He wants to increase the Swifts’ wealth and power, and he pushed Aunt Schadenfreude down the stairs because she refused to consider him for the role of her successor. He forged Daisy’s handwriting when he dueled Pamplemousse. Candour admits that he killed Pamplemousse and Schadenfreude and shot Flora, but he says that Gumshoe’s death was a self-inflicted accident. The detective died when he picked up Lore and Law of the Family Swift, and Candour found a rule in the book stating that the relative with the “most suitable name” becomes the new leader if the matriarch and archivist die before a successor is named (279). Candour stole Shenanigan’s map while they were preparing breakfast for Daisy together, and he used it to set traps for the surviving Swifts.

Candour has filled the house with laughing gas and locked everyone inside so that they’ll die of poisoning. Shenanigan tries to concoct a plan to stop him. She tells him about the ghost who said that the treasure is under the house, leads him to the cellar, and guides him to a gravestone for the house. She says that there may be a clue about the treasure under the stone. When Candour lifts the gravestone, she kicks him in the ankle. The doctor drops the heavy stone on his foot and seizes the fleeing Shenanigan. The girl’s sisters come looking for her, and Felicity offers to take Shenanigan’s place as a hostage. The wan, shrouded figure of Aunt Schadenfreude appears, startling Candour so much that he knocks over a shelf and is crushed by the falling gravestones.

The girls realize that Aunt Schadenfreude is alive and that her ghostly pallor is a generous coating of flour. They hug their aunt close, and she apologizes for making them believe she was dead. Shenanigan retrieves the map from Candour, who is still alive. Schadenfreude stands guard over the doctor while the sisters race upstairs. By now, many of the Swifts have fallen unconscious from exposure to laughing gas. While Felicity and Phenomena break the windows to let in fresh air, Shenanigan locates the canister of nitrous oxide in a hidden compartment behind a painting and carries it outside. Once the gas disperses, Schadenfreude and the exonerated Cook gather everyone into the study.

Aunt Schadenfreude explains that Candour pushed her down the stairs because she refused to name him as her successor since she was well aware of his deceitful, swindling nature. Next, Aunt Inheritance tells everyone how Schadenfreude encouraged her to keep the EEK a secret, lest someone use it to seize the treasure for themselves. Phenomena summarizes the investigation that the children conducted. She realizes that Candour’s alibi was falsified because he gave Aunt Dither a strong sedative and slipped out of her room.

Next, Daisy tells everyone how Candour charmed her and then began stealing from her. After Schadenfreude refused to bless the marriage, Daisy confronted Candour about the missing money, but he said that he would make her family laughingstocks unless she went through with the marriage. When Flora learned of Daisy’s predicament, she resolved to help her find a way out of the engagement. They planned to steal Cook’s bike and find a phone so that Daisy could contact her lawyer. While Daisy prepared to make her escape, she discovered the crossbow among Candour’s belongings and confronted him.

Daisy suggests that Gumshoe cut the phone line and took the Swifts’ steering wheels to give himself more time to solve the case. Aunt Schadenfreude explains that she and Cook faked her death and that the coffin the family buried contained a suit of armor. Uncle Maelstrom points out that he and the girls mourned her, and she admits that she underestimated how news of her death would impact them. Shenanigan shares her adventures to bring the story to its end.

Felicity still wants to call the police, but Schadenfreude forbids this. Technically, Candour didn’t break any of the Swift family’s rules. Most of the people he attacked survived, and the family’s laws don’t forbid attempted murder or duels. However, Schadenfreude excommunicates him from the family, removing his last name and his ties to his relatives and seizing all his assets. Candour reacts with “incoherent screams of rage” (316), and Schadenfreude has him imprisoned in the freezer with the bodies of his victims.

Shenanigan awakens in the middle of the night, takes Phenomena’s notebook, and sees that her sister has recorded an equal number of “in character” and “out of character” actions in her study of Shenanigan’s behavior. She finds Daisy, who cannot sleep either, and apologizes for thinking that she was the killer. Daisy forgives her without a moment’s hesitation and says that she doesn’t want revenge against Candour. Shenanigan climbs onto the roof and uses Morse code to send an “SOS” message to her friend at the post office.

The next morning, Felicity helps Flora and Fauna give themselves makeovers so that the twins no longer look identical. Their new appearances highlight their distinct traits, like Flora’s sharp wit and Fauna’s warm presence. Erf tells Aunt Inheritance that they don’t want to use their dictionary name anymore, and Inheritance says, “[The Dictionary] doesn’t know everything. And neither do I. But I’d like to learn” (322). She writes “Erf” on a nametag and hugs her grandchild close. Shenanigan realizes that the true treasure that the Swifts are meant to find at the family reunion isn’t Vile’s Hoard but rather “the worth in one another” (324).

At breakfast, Aunt Schadenfreude chooses Fauna as her successor because of the young woman’s kindness, courage, and dignity. Fauna accepts, and Schadenfreude removes her iron collar for the first time in decades. After Inheritance officially swears Fauna in as matriarch over the family dictionary, Schadenfreude invites her to give a speech.

In her speech, Fauna shares two definitions for the word “awful” that were written in the family dictionary hundreds of years apart. The first definition means that something is impressive and inspires respect, while the modern definition means that something is very bad. Fauna uses this example to propose that the Swift family let themselves change just as languages change.

Suddenly, police cars arrive at the estate’s gates. Aunt Schadenfreude is furious that someone disobeyed her direct orders. The authorities came because of Shenanigan’s “SOS” message, but Felicity stands up and declares that she contacted them. Felicity argues that Candour must answer for his crimes against Daisy and the other people he’s hurt outside of their family, and she points out that the family’s belief that they are superior to others is precisely the attitude that drove Candour to commit his villainous deeds. Fauna agrees with Felicity and instructs the family to cooperate with the police. To Shenanigan’s astonishment, Atrocious reveals that she will pay for the house’s restoration. Daisy offers to do so, but Atrocious thinks it’s important that the Swifts themselves take care of their ancestral home.

Daisy plans to move to Paris and invites an elated Felicity to visit her. Shenanigan apologizes for being unkind to Felicity, but her oldest sister assures her that she doesn’t expect her to stop pulling pranks. Phenomena continues her studies of the EEK, which survived the fire. Shenanigan tears the page with the definition for “house” out of the dictionary and holds it up to the light, revealing a map drawn by Cantrip Swift. Shenanigan’s ancestor hid the treasure in the estate’s lake because she saw how greed tore her family apart. A few days ago, Shenanigan would have kept the treasure for herself, but now she decides to take her time choosing what to do with the secret.