The War With Grandpa

After dinner, Peter steals Grandpa’s slippers and leaves another note stating that Grandpa won’t defeat him. Peter considered putting a frog or gerbil in his bed, but the surprise might give Grandpa a heart attack. Peter wants to fight a war against Grandpa, not kill him.

Grandpa confronts Peter about the slippers, and Peter pretends not to know anything about it. Grandpa calls Peter a “slippery customer,” finds the slippers in the closet, and uses the word “tricks” again. Peter corrects him: Not tricks, “gorilla” warfare. Grandpa laughs and uses the word “monkeyshines” (mischievous behavior).

Grandpa kisses Peter good night, and Peter thinks he’ll lose the war—his grandpa is too nice.

Peter and his friends buy school supplies, and Steve buys tons of supplies—he loves school. In Steve’s world, a day without school is a terrible day. Steve also loves learning. When he learns a new word, he writes it on an index card and memorizes it.

Concerning the kiss good night, Steve thinks Peter’s grandpa is using psychological warfare. Billy clarifies: Grandpa is messing with his grandson’s head. Steve thinks Grandpa is being nice so that Peter will stop the war. Peter thinks otherwise—his grandpa is just a sweet and good person.

Billy thinks Peter could have found a better hiding spot for the slippers. Maybe Peter could have burned them. Steve uses the term “Machiavellian,” referring to the 16th-century Italian politician and theorist Niccolò Machiavelli and his philosophy book The Prince (1532), where he outlines how rulers can ruthlessly expand and maintain their power. Steve assumes Grandpa knows Machiavelli well. Peter doesn’t think Grandpa is Machiavellian, and Steve believes Peter lost the war.

Though walking hurts Grandpa’s legs, it also hurts when he doesn’t walk, so he might as well get some exercise. Peter joins him on the walk, and he wonders if Grandpa wants another truce. Grandpa wants Peter to stop the war. It’s a disagreement—perhaps a conflict—but not a war. Another way to look at it: Peter is creating a “family feud.”

Peter sticks with the war label. Grandpa took over his territory—that’s what wars center on. Grandpa thinks wars are about greed and power. Peter adds that war is about getting back what’s been taken.

Peter says war is okay when someone has to defend their rights. Grandpa argues there are other ways to resolve rows. Peter tried to speak to his parents, but that didn’t get him anywhere, so he had to declare war on Grandpa.

Grandpa claims Peter is thinking wrongly. It’s only okay to start a war if someone attacks a person—that person has the right to stick up for themselves. Peter feels attacked, and he compares what happened to Risk. Grandpa says war isn’t a game—though fools, kids, and generals think it is. Peter compares Grandpa to an invading army. After he calls Grandpa his enemy, his grandpa slaps him hard and tells him that war hurts people.

Peter wants to hate Grandpa for hitting him, but he can’t. His grandpa is lonely and older, and his leg is in pain—he’d have to be as villainous as Darth Vader (the villain in the Star Wars franchise) to loathe Grandpa. Peter’s mom says he can’t hold a grudge—his heart is too good.

At dinner, Grandpa is in high spirits. He tells jokes and talks to Peter. After dinner, Jenny comes down in her tutu—the one she coaxed her parents into buying for her. She introduces herself as the most beautiful ballet dancer in the world, then dances for her family. Everyone claps, including Peter.

The boys are in Peter’s room, and Billy thinks it stinks. He likes Peter’s old room more—it was bigger, had better light, and it didn’t smell. Steve smells something too. He uses the words “olfactory” and “indubitably,” and Billy teases him for bragging about the words he knows.

Steve assumes the war is over, and Billy calls Peter a “loser.” Peter wants to play Monopoly, but when he opens the box, there’s just the board and a taunting note from Grandpa—also known as “the Old Man.”

Out of respect for his teacher, Peter won’t use the words Steve and Billy say when they realize the Monopoly box lacks everything they need to play it. Instead, Peter makes up words like “furrzy” and “macnishtop.”

Steve thinks it’s good that Grandpa is striking back and that Peter has to match his intensity. Billy suggests burning his underwear—a person can’t go anywhere without underwear. Peter doesn’t know how to burn underwear. Billy tells him to toss it in the furnace. After Peter rejects that idea, Billy tells him to tear it up. Peter won’t do that either. Grandpa Jack is his grandpa—there are things he can’t do, no matter how much pressure his friends apply.

Peter wants to confront Grandpa right away, but Grandpa is in the kitchen with Sally, and then he plays casino with Jenny, so Peter must wait till after school the next day, when Grandpa fixes his broken rocking chair. He’s not gluing it but re-pegging it. The chair is sturdy. Grandpa is great at fixing things—he used to build houses from scratch.

Peter asks Grandpa how he knew they were going to play Monopoly. Grandpa says it’s a “military secret,” and he laughs. He’s not returning to the pieces until there’s peace. Until then, the Monopoly pieces are “prisoners of war.” Peter promises retaliation, and Grandpa says that sounds like fun. The war is restoring Grandpa’s sense of humor. He realizes he was taking it too seriously, and he expresses surprise that he slapped Peter.

Before Peter can retaliate, he and his grandpa go fishing. Peter must wake up at 4:30 a.m. due to the high tides, which arrive at 9:07. Grandpa explains to Peter that the high tides are when the fish like to eat. A person who’s fishing drops their hook into the tide, and the fish thinks it’s just another thing for them to eat.

Grandpa makes ham-and-bologna sandwiches, and he fills a thermos of cold milk for Peter. They have 5:00 a.m. breakfast at a diner, and Grandpa sings along with the radio. The bait shop smells awful, but Peter loves fishing with his grandpa, and they catch more than 20 fish. The wonderful fishing trip makes Peter feel sad when he steals Grandpa’s watch at night.

In the morning, Grandpa confronts Peter, and Peter pretends to be reading in his room. When his grandpa tells him about the missing watch, Peter suggests a thief took it. Grandpa doesn’t think so. A thief would have taken his wallet too. Peter says the thief could be dumb, or maybe the thief only wanted the watch.

Grandpa asks Peter why he didn’t leave a note. Peter says they’re beyond notes, and he admits to taking the watch. Grandpa thought the war was over. They had a pleasant time fishing. Peter agrees: It was a great time, but Grandpa is still in his room.

Grandpa’s watch is from his wife—a gift to mark their 40th wedding anniversary. Peter promises to keep it safe. Grandpa bets he could find it, but Peter believes he hid it too well. Grandpa tells Peter to watch out.