Wink

“I actually have a sketchbook where I do most of my Batpig comics. Or just drawings of random stuff. And some more-involved sketching—of real things. Life drawing, as my mom called it—but I don’t show those to ANYBODY. Not even Abby. Or my dad.”

Ross conveys this information in response to Sarah’s reference to his drawings in elementary school. His information reveals relevant facts about himself: He’s artistic, he’s hypercritical of his imperfect work, and he anticipates humiliation if he shares his work with anyone. These facts directly relate to two major themes: Authentic Self-Expression Is Liberating and Connection and Communication Are Essential to Survival. Ross has not yet grasped either of these lessons.

“As my dad and Linda started asking about things like prognosis and outlook and treatment, my balloon head kept slowly rising toward the fluorescent light above me. It was the weirdest feeling—like I was watching from above while someone else heard all about how dangerous this tumor was.”

The shock of receiving his diagnosis is so overwhelming that Ross’s mind protects itself through detachment. He describes the feeling figuratively, likening his head to a balloon.

“Maybe my defenses are down because of ‘radiation nerves’? Maybe it’s just a new kind of music I’m not used to—like it’s my kind of music and it’s been waiting for me out there. Maybe the proton beam is accidentally zapping my brain, and I’m having some kind of seconds-to-death moment of clarity.

Or maybe I just need it now.

I’m not sure, but it’s lighting me up in a way I haven’t experienced before.”

Ross listens to Frank’s CD mix for the first time and doesn’t understand his powerful reaction. The music connects Ross with his feelings, foreshadowing the important role music will play in Ross’s recovery.

“The guitars seem to say what I’m feeling the best. […] Not to sound weird, but it’s like a whole new language. One I didn’t know I needed until now.”

Ross listens to Frank’s mix to calm himself after learning about the memes. The guitars help him see the connection between music and self-expression, which convinces him to learn how to play the guitar himself.

“I could be gone, and life would just…go on. My friends would go to high school. And college. New Star Wars movies would come out. Just without me there to see them. Like I never even happened.”

This is the moment Ross feels grief for himself. He dreads the idea of non-existence because he realizes how little he stands out, which means his absence from the world won’t change anything.

“I don’t think normal is a goal. At least not a worthy one. […] But different! That’s another matter. Different moves the needle. Different is where the good stuff happens. There’s strength in different.”

Jerry tells Ross that he shouldn’t wish to be normal because his differences make him unique. Ross’s differences may cause him trouble, but they can also give him confidence and determination, as he learns from experience.

“Aren’t I—y’know, since I have cancer—aren’t I supposed to have some big epiphany? […] I mean, on TV, I see people on the Today Show. Shows like that. Talking about how being sick taught them that every day is […] a precious, wonderful gift from above. That I should cherish every day and live every moment like it’s my last.”

Ross wishes he could gain something positive from having cancer, like an epiphany that will make his life better. Ross’s question foreshadows the climax, when he receives his epiphany.

“Sometimes life is just the WORST, y’know? Sometimes it can be hard as hell. All you can do is ride it out, and maybe…focus on the things you love? The people you love? And just kind of…hang on. With both hands.”

Frank here offers his best advice to Ross; it touches on the themes concerning self-expression and human connection. Ross absorbs the advice and focuses on playing guitar and being a better friend to Abby.

“Jimmy’s scowl fades, and a big grin spreads across my face before I even realize it. I can’t help it. This is AWESOME!”

Ross shows how playing music with someone can create connection. He’s surprised at how easy and exhilarating it is to have a musical conversation with Jimmy, whom Ross believed to be a bully—a reminder to Never Judge by Appearances.

“Did Jimmy refer to himself as my bandmate?”

Jimmy’s experience playing with Ross has a strong effect. After one jam session, Ross has become his bandmate. It’s a surprise to Ross; Jimmy still appears surly and threatening, and it takes another practice for Ross to accept Jimmy as his bandmate.

“She’s…super fake. She’s only nice to the ‘right people.’ Trust me, I know. […] Her locker is right next to me. She and her stupid friends hang out there. […] They don’t hold back in front of me. I might as well be a lump of mud, as far as they care. So I hear all kindsa stuff.”

Jimmy warns Ross about Sarah’s falseness and snobbery; he knows what she’s like because she doesn’t really see him. Jimmy’s authenticity contrasts with Sarah’s deceptiveness, but Ross dismisses Jimmy’s comments because he isn’t nice to Ross like Sarah is.

“It felt loud and dangerous and gritty and totally 100 percent right, all at the same time. At one point, Jimmy and I both start laughing—just at the sheer volume of it—as Denny cranked my amp up to ten and told Jimmy to play harder.”

Ross begins to feel the satisfaction he can get from expressing himself loudly and freely. He shares the feeling with Jimmy as they play. Both of them are being themselves; the shared experience is a way for them to communicate.

“It felt…sort of like going outside and screaming at the top of my lungs—but in the best way possible. At one point I started singing part of the chorus. I wasn’t even embarrassed. It just felt like…letting go.”

Ross gets a taste of his epiphany as he loses his fear of attention and embarrassment. The only thing that matters to him is how he feels when he plays music he loves.

“Gentlemen! I want it on the record that glorious sounds were made here tonight. We have cast aside our demons and been filled with the spirit of the beat! Rock and roll was in! The! Room! I want you both to stand, face each other, and shake hands to acknowledge the power of this thing called music.”

Frank acknowledges the role music is playing in the bandmates’ lives: It’s lowering their defenses and making them happier, more creative, and more fearless. Music is a powerful force for good, in Frank’s opinion.

“It’s weird. I think I always just assume you’re okay. You’re my rock. The tough one. I guess I just figured you’d have zero problem walking into a new school and Abby-ing it up.”

Ross is coming to understand himself and his friend better. He assumed Abby is never uncertain of herself because she appears confident in her looks, her style, and her attitude. His assumption made him discount her problems; he misjudged her by focusing on how she chooses to appear.

“Her face drops, and pulls back ever so slightly for a second. I see a flash of ‘skeeved out’ pass over her face, but she recovers quickly. ‘Whoa. Like…blind?’”

Sarah’s face has inadvertently given Ross hints of her real character before this scene, but Ross is too smitten by her façade to notice. This particular slip concerns Ross’s confidential admission about losing vision in his right eye; the glimpse of her genuine reaction foreshadows her complete unmasking after she shares Ross’s secret in a meme.

“I hand it to him. It’s a drawing of Louis Armstrong playing trumpet, from a photo I found on the internet. It’s the first time I’ve ever shown someone one of my ‘real’ sketches.”

Ross shares one of his “real” drawings for the first time when he gives Jerry his sketch of Armstrong, Jerry’s favorite trumpet player. He’s beginning to open up to people, starting with his friend and fellow cancer patient.

“It pretty much freaks me out. It’s kind of like having on glasses that are all smeary, only the smears are part of me. I can’t wipe them away, and it makes me feel kind of like I can’t breathe.”

Ross is losing his vision in the right eye in a way he didn’t anticipate. The distortion of his literal sight will contrast with the opening of his metaphorical eyes in the cafeteria later that day.

“Sarah and Denise the Unpleasant are looking right at us. Or maybe just at Jimmy. Either way, I feel myself clench. I guess I’m now a known Jimmy associate.”

Ross’s fear of sticking out informs his embarrassment to be associated with Jimmy while Sarah is looking in his direction. The irony is that Sarah is looking at Ross for a different reason, and Jimmy knows what that reason is: the release of the newest meme.

“Sarah’s face goes from Flabbergasted Victim to Angry Demon in a tenth of a second as she spins. […] Her face morphs back to Sweet Innocent Sarah as she turns to face me.”

Ross witnesses the truth about Sarah as he stares at her face: She’s fake, just like Jimmy said. He misjudged Sarah and Jimmy because he focused on superficial characteristics rather than substance.

“Cause I see you trying to carry your rock alone, and it’s painful to watch. […] Just…share the load! Release the burden a little! You can always talk with us. Or Abby. Or just yell. Just don’t keep it bottled up.”

Ross’s father opens up about his time as a grieving single parent and what helped him survive. He urges Ross to share his pain and connect with people. Ross does so by changing his plans for the talent show.

“Suddenly, everything but us playing this song seems beyond stupid.

It’s like the part of me that worries about that stuff just fell out of my brain. Or like somebody found me the right glasses and I’m seeing things clearly for the first time in a long time. […] It feels amazing. Like a nine-hundred-pound weight—or maybe a boulder?—has been lifted off my shoulders.

I don’t care.

And it’s every bit as magical as that ‘every day is a precious gift’ stuff other people talk about.”

Ross has his epiphany when he lets go of extraneous worries. He uses a simile to describe the feeling: He has the correct glasses through which he can see clearly, and he loses the boulder that was crushing him.

“I look over at Jimmy, still bashing away randomly at his drums, and he gives me a smile. And I smash the guitar. […] It’s like an explosion of all the crap and bile that’s been building up in me for months, and something lets loose inside me.”

Ross makes a broken guitar the vessel for his negative emotions before he smashes it. His glance at Jimmy and Jimmy’s answering smile indicate that the performance has formed a bond between the two boys.